***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for $1 ... No Strings attached ...but for a limited period ONLY! ...A bloody good deal!
2.
A closed mouth gathers no feet
3.
A feature is a bug with seniority
4.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
5.
A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex? His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
6.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
7.
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
8.
Adults are just kids who owe money
9.
All computers wait at the same speed
10.
All stressed out and no one to choke
11.
Allow me to introduce my selves
12.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
13.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
14.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
15.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
16.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy
17.
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
18.
Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
19.
Be unique and different, just say yes.
20.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
21.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
22.
BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy
23.
Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick" Boss asks: "How sick are u?" Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"
24.
Born free . . . Taxed to death
25.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
26.
Born Free........Taxed to Death.
27.
Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'
28.
Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'
29.
Can I flirt with you?
30.
Celibacy is not hereditary
31.
Common sense isn't common
32.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
33.
Constipated people don't give a crap
34.
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
35.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy
36.
Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
37.
Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.
38.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend
39.
Do not disturb. Already disturbed
40.
Do pilots take crash-courses?
41.
Do witches run spell checkers?
42.
Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.
43.
Does killing time damage eternity?
44.
Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...
45.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion
46.
Exceptions always outnumber rules
47.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
48.
Familiarity breeds children
49.
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
50.
FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.
51.
Fuck Me...are those real?
52.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
53.
Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.
54.
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
55.
Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving
56.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
57.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
58.
Have a nice day. . . somewhere else
59.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
60.
HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?
61.
Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!
62.
Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...
63.
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw
64.
Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.
65.
How can there be self-help groups?
66.
How come night falls but day breaks?
67.
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
68.
How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
69.
How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!
70.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
71.
How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
72.
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.
73.
How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
74.
Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.
75.
I don't get even . . . . . I get odder
76.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
77.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier
78.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant
79.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
80.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
81.
I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!
82.
I like feminists; I think they're cute
83.
I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!
84.
I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got
85.
I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.
86.
I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!
87.
I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
88.
I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
89.
I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.
90.
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.
91.
I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!
92.
I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo
93.
I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter
94.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
95.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
96.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
97.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?
98.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
99.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
100.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
101.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
102.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
103.
If it ain't broke, fix it until it is
104.
If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert
105.
If it's too loud, you're too old
106.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
107.
If we quit voting will they all go away?
108.
If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?
109.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me
110.
Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.
111.
In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.
112.
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
113.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation
114.
INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)
115.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
116.
Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???
117.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.
118.
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
119.
Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
120.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
121.
Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
122.
Justice: A decision in your favor
123.
Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
124.
Life is sexually transmitted
125.
Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!
126.
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
127.
Mind intentionally left blank...
128.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
129.
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
130.
Never miss a good chance to shut up
131.
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story
132.
Nope.....u still ugly!
133.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
134.
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
135.
Nothing succeeds like excess
136.
On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.
137.
Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes
138.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
139.
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
140.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
141.
Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!
142.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
143.
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
144.
Relax, its only Ones and Zeros
145.
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
146.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
147.
Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!
148.
Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
149.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
150.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
151.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
152.
Strip mining prevents forest fires
153.
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
154.
The best things in life aren't things
155.
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
156.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
157.
The older I get, the older old is
158.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
159.
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
160.
This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you
161.
Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person - Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!
162.
Today's subliminal message is . . .
163.
U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!
164.
U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :)
165.
Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
166.
We do precision guesswork
167.
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found
168.
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
169.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
170.
What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.
171.
What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.
172.
Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!
173.
When all else fails manipulate the data
174.
When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....
175.
When money talks, the criminal walks
176.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it
177.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
178.
Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
179.
Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.
180.
Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.
181.
You are here: X
182.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
183.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
184.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
